Grief is a universal experience. Though people may experience loss differently, we all understand that the death of a loved one is one of life's most difficult passages. Although there are few "rules" for how individuals grieve, certain emotions and physical sensations are common. These include sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, fatigue, anxiety, weepiness, forgetfulness, confusion, hopelessness, shortness of breath, panic attacks, and changes in sleep and eating patterns. Although dealing with the death of a loved one is never easy, certain kinds of losses tend to be more complex. One of these is the loss of a spouse. Widows and widowers face certain specific challenges during bereavement.

It is important to understand that in losing a spouse, we are experiencing several losses at once. Often these losses go unacknowledged by friends, family and society in general, and yet they are keenly felt. With the exception of the loss of a child, perhaps no loss is more likely to elicit such profound grief as the death of a spouse or life partner. For many people, whether they realize it or not, a spouse is more than just a lover, a co-parent or a life companion. In the course of a long relationship, partners tend to form an interdependence, to adopt agreed-upon roles and responsibilities. Often the lost partner was "the one who handled the finances," "the cook," or the "social secretary." Think of some of the other roles, both subtle and obvious, a partner may occupy: the confidence booster, the comic, the disciplinarian of the children, the breadwinner, the business partner, the homemaker. Longtime couples tend to create elaborate layers of activity, communication and responsibility. Losing a spouse sometimes means making a shocking transition from interdependency to total independence.

In addition, with the loss of a spouse, we may experience the loss of our own history, or our perceived future. We may have lost our high school sweetheart, the first man we ever kissed, the person we planned to spend retirement with. The major task of grief is to begin to envision a new kind of future, one without the missing loved one.

By the time he or she loses a spouse, the average older adult has already experienced other losses. They have probably lost parents, and perhaps siblings and longtime friends or associates. In some cases, these experiences will help the survivor to cope-he or she has journeyed through grief before and come out the other side. This may instill confidence that it is possible to come through it again.

For others, the loss of a spouse just increases the grief of previous losses. For some it may feel like the straw that breaks the camel's back. In this way, grief is "re-triggered," and "unresolved" losses may bring old losses back to the surface. Many older people have experienced "cumulative losses," which can make mourning more difficult for them.

When a younger person dies and leaves behind a young widow/widower, the surviving spouse will probably encounter specific difficulties. The surviving spouse often has young children and becomes, suddenly, a single parent. The death is more likely to have been sudden, such as an accident or suicide. In other cases, the death may be due to illness. In either case, the death of a younger person is less "expected"-that is, it is premature and therefore tragic. Sudden or unexpected losses may tend to be accompanied by strong feelings of shock, anger, and "why me" kinds of questions. Sudden losses may also be made more difficult by "unfinished business," both emotional and practical. Family members have often not gotten a chance to say goodbye. In addition, funeral arrangements, insurance issues and other financial affairs often feel overwhelming. Pressing paper work often needs attention at exactly the time when the surviving spouse is least emotionally able to tackle such matters.

On the positive side, younger widows and widowers often lead more active, dynamic lives than much older adults. Recognizing the meaning of rewarding careers, good physical health and of course, children at home can speed and strengthen the "reinvestment" process.

The year following a spousal loss is a time when you must be as kind to yourself as possible. It is probably not a time to take on major new responsibilities. In addition, experts commonly recommend that the recently widowed avoid life transitions such as a major move or job change. The year or so following a death is a time to take care of yourself. This can be challenging for many reasons. Some people find themselves left with greater responsibilities financially and at home, leaving them with less time for self-care. Others may feel guilty about enjoying life when a soul mate is gone, and no longer able to share life's pleasure. All of these feelings are valid and deserve acknowledgement. However, at a certain point it becomes necessary to examine which of our thoughts and emotions are assisting in the process of grieving and which are blocking progress. The following are some of the ways grieving spouses can take care of themselves during this process.

Enlist the support of others-Ask for help, both emotional and practical. Be prepared to initiate the conversation since many well-meaning friends may avoid discussion of the deceased for fear of upsetting you. Some bereaved people feel that loved ones are already burdened by their own grief, and may seek the support of a bereavement group or a grief counselor.

Maintain proper nutrition-Don't skip meals or eat poorly. Poor nutrition can increase fatigue. In addition, try to eat meals with other people.

Exercise-Exercise vigorously and walk regularly. This is a challenge since bereaved people often lack energy and motivation. However, the benefits of exercise in regard to mood and self-esteem are widely known.

Maintain old rituals and make new ones-Maintain the same holiday rituals and create new ones. Think of the ways in which you can honor the memory of the deceased - a spring planting of your spouse's favorite flower or a memorial photo album. Death-related rituals are not "wallowing." Rather, they are a way to put a frame around the experience, to make a place for your memories as you begin to move on.

Avoid overuse of alcohol and medications-Alcohol, drugs and some medications tend to act as mood depressants. "Self -medicating" and "numbing" also tend to prolong the grief recovery process.

Get proper sleep-This is difficult since many grieving people report sleep disruptions. However, you need more sleep now than ever.

Take time for yourself-Take a bath, get a massage. Anything extra you can do for your own well-being will help. Grieving individuals need more nurturing than at other times.

It is probably fair to say that nothing can prepare us for the death of a spouse. Life does not "get back to normal" because first, a new kind of normal must be imagined, and then created step by step. This takes time, and it takes varying amounts of time, depending on the individual. The good news is that life can be meaningful again, you are not alone, and supportive people are out there to help.