We expect to have certain feelings when a loved one or family member dies, but our feelings may seem conflicting – even surprising – following the death of a patient or client. While we can grieve for a loved one in the privacy of our home, the death of a patient or client often triggers a display of grief in our workplace, which may cause feelings of vulnerability or embarrassment. We may also feel some guilt or sense of responsibility about the person’s death, particularly if it was sudden or due to medical error. Additionally, those of us in caretaking roles are often taught to maintain strict boundaries with our patients. This can make it difficult to know how, when, and where it is appropriate to display our grief.

Regardless of your relationship with the patient or client or the length of time he or she was in your care, it is normal to experience a grief response. Grief is an individual process, unique to us all, and yet there are aspects shared by many. These include:

Additionally, many people experience intense sadness, distractibility, or fear for their own mortality. These thoughts, feelings, and behaviors may be experienced more strongly than others, depending on our relationship with the deceased, our past experiences, and history of other losses, especially if the circumstances were similar. It is important to recognize that there is not a singular or right way to grieve.

As the grief process unfolds over time, it is common that these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors tend to alternate with feelings of well-being, increased involvement with others, and increased attention to our daily lives. The use of positive coping strategies can help us move forward after the loss.

Acknowledge. Acknowledge the loss as well as your feelings about the person’s death. Recognize that grief is a normal and natural human response. This can be difficult if we have been trained to maintain “objective” boundaries with our patients or clients, yet denial of our grief can hinder our daily functioning.

Communicate. Given clients’ or patients’ rights to privacy, you may not be able to speak about the death to your friends or families. Therefore, it is important to discuss the loss with co-workers and colleagues. This type of communication will help create a supportive work atmosphere and will help you feel less alone. Plan a gathering in a staff room or request the help of the EAP to facilitate a grief group. Additionally, consider talking to a counselor or clergy person for individual support. Despite what you may think or have learned, talking about the deceased person helps.

Participate. Depending upon your relationship with the patient or client and his/her family, it may be appropriate for you to attend the funeral. Funerals and memorial services help us move towards an acceptance of a person’s death and provide a sense of closure. However, if your attendance is not possible or inappropriate, consider making a donation in the deceased’s honor or writing a goodbye letter to express your feelings.

Return to Routine. The routines of work and our daily lives can help us feel grounded and can provide some distraction to the pain of a loss.

Grief and worry can cause mental and physical strain, and it may affect your work. Talk to a professional counselor, medical provider, or clergy member if you’re having difficulty returning to your usual level of functioning.