Coping with the suicide of a loved one, co-worker or friend requires dealing with challenging emotions and thoughts. Difficult unanswered questions arise about the causes leading to a suicide. Cultural stigmas and shame can complicate our grief process. Though nothing changes the fact that a loss has occurred, the process of healing often involves coping with guilt, blame, anger and sadness.
If you have lost someone to suicide, it is important to remember that you are not alone. Each year, more than 33,000 people in the United States die by suicide. The devastated family and friends they leave behind are known as survivors. In fact, research shows that during the course of our lifetime, 85% of us will lose someone we care about to suicide. That means that there are millions of survivors who, like you, are trying to cope with this difficult loss.
Common Questions in Response to a Suicide
Some common questions survivors face include the following:
- Why did the person do it?
- Why didn’t he ask for help?
- What could I have done to prevent this? Is it my fault?
- Didn’t she know how much I would miss her and how much I need her?
- How could God let this happen?
As time passes, survivors of a loved one’s suicide begin asking different questions. Instead of asking “Why?” ask yourself, “What will help me to cope with this loss?” “What will I do now?” and “How do I honor my loved one’s life rather than focusing on the death?”
Emotional Responses to Suicide
Survivors often experience a wide range of grief reactions, including some or all of the following:
- Shock is a common immediate reaction. You may feel numb or disoriented and may have trouble concentrating.
- Symptoms of depression, including disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, intense sadness, and lack of energy.
- Anger towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or yourself.
- Relief, particularly if the suicide followed a long and difficult mental illness.
- Guilt, including thinking, “If only I had…”
These feelings usually diminish over time, as you develop your ability to cope and begin to heal.
Learning how to live after a suicide means accepting the reality of the death by suicide as well as needing to move on to a life without that loved one. It is complicated grief. Despite that, you can choose to heal from the tragedy and take care of your emotional and physical health. You can choose to have hope for a future. Try to be patient with yourself and gentle with your judgments. Get support from friends and family, community groups, religious or spiritual organizations, professional counselors, and even in reading.
