Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do or say when your friend, partner, family member, or colleague experiences a miscarriage or stillbirth. For some, it is perceived as an unfortunate act of nature; for others, it is the traumatic loss of a child. Everyone reacts differently and needs different kinds of support.
What to Say
While there are no hard and fast rules, below is a list of things you might say to demonstrate your support:
- “I’m so sorry about your miscarriage.” These simple words mean a lot, especially if you allow the bereaved to talk – or not talk – as they wish.
- “I know how much you wanted that baby.” Here you are acknowledging that something precious has been lost and opening a door to talk more.
- “It’s OK to cry.” It may sound obvious, but it’s reassuring for the parents to know that they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.
- “Can I call you back next week to see how you’re doing?” Often people are very sympathetic when they first hear about the miscarriage or stillbirth, but then never mention it again. You can expect the parents to feel up and down for many weeks or months, and it’s nice to know that your support is ongoing.
- “I was wondering how you’re feeling about your miscarriage now.” As above, it’s good to have the opportunity to talk about a miscarriage - weeks, months, and years afterwards. Even after another successful pregnancy, parents don’t forget a miscarriage.
- “I don’t really know what to say.” The nice thing about this is that it’s honest. The fact that you’re there and ready to listen is what’s really important.
Practical assistance is often also welcome. An offer to prepare a meal, provide childcare if there are other children at home, assist with household chores, or volunteer to take on routine work tasks can go a long way to help someone feel supported.
While everyone might need different kinds of support, it is generally true that most of us need the compassion and acknowledgement of others after a loss or tragedy. Ignoring or minimizing a miscarriage or stillbirth can be hurtful and make the parent feel isolated.
Comments to Avoid
You should also avoid certain comments when grief is new and the parents are at their most vulnerable:
- “You can always have another one.” While this may be true, it’s also usually true that we could find another spouse if ours happened to die. Just as it wouldn’t help much to know you could get married again, it doesn’t help much to know you can have another baby. The parents didn’t want just any baby, they wanted that baby. Before they can think about another one, they will need to grieve for the baby they lost.
- “There was probably something wrong with it – that’s nature’s way.” Again, this may be true, but it’s not comforting. In our heads we were carrying a perfect baby, and it’s the perfect baby we believed we were carrying for which we grieve.
- “At least you didn’t really know the baby. It would have been much worse if it has happened later.” Many women bond with their unborn babies early, often making elaborate plans before the baby is even conceived. Whatever stage the baby dies, there is a loss.
- “I know how you feel.” It’s difficult to know how someone else feels even if you’ve had a miscarriage yourself. Everyone reacts differently, and a statement like this can be hurtful.
- “It wasn’t really a baby yet.” If the parent feels that it was really a baby, then that is their reality. The grief is for a real baby who just wasn’t born yet.
The best thing to do is to listen and let the grieving parents know you are there for them in whatever way they need support.
