Supporting family, friends, and colleagues through the pain of losing loved ones is always difficult. Today, with social distancing, this is particularly true. The counseling staff at CompEAP, your Employee Assistance Program, offers the following advice on how to support someone who is grieving. If at any time you’d like help in this matter, please contact us.
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences. There are several common emotions surrounding a death, including sadness, anger, guilt, and disbelief. During these times of COVID-19, grief may also feel lonely, isolating, and perhaps even overshadowed by the pandemic. Since hospitals and nursing homes have prohibited visitors, many of us have been unable to spend final days or hours with sick relatives and friends. To compound this trauma, we are unable to be together in the early days of acute grief. Wakes, funerals, Shivas and other cultural rituals are now forbidden or greatly limited leaving us without the community and healing rituals that typically follow a loss.
It is important to remember that, even in these days of social distancing, grief need not be isolating.
Friends, relatives, and colleagues can create new ways to support the bereaved and to honor and celebrate the deceased. Here are some tips to consider:
Reach Out: Now more than ever, support is needed. You do not need have answers, advice, or be inperson. The most important thing you can do is simply to be ‘there’. If you feel unsure of what to say, here are some ideas:
- Acknowledge: “I heard that your ____ died and I am so sorry.” Using the word “died” shows that you’re not afraid of reality and can then hear how the person truly feels. Also, use the name of the deceased.
- Be genuine: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
- Express concern: “I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you.”
Comments to Avoid: These following statements typically cause a grieving person to feel alone and that no one understands their sorrow:
- “I know how you feel.” One can never know how another feels.
- “It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase may cause anger or feel offensive.
- “They’re in a better place now.” Keep beliefs to yourself unless asked.
- Phrases like “get on” and “move on” are not helpful, especially because neither truly happens.
- People move forward, with grief always present to varying degrees.
- Statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” Instead, begin comments with “Have you thought about…” or “You might consider…”
Stay in touch; your support is more valuable than ever in this time of sheltering in place. Checking in with texts or phone calls on a regular basis is essential to help the bereaved maintain a connection with the outside world. Suggest Facetime or another video platform to provide visual connection. Write periodic letters or emails so the bereaved knows they are not forgotten or alone.
Accept emotions. Let tears happen. Do not press if they don’t feel like talking. Be willing to sit in silence. You can offer incredible comfort by simply being present with undivided attention. Let them know they can talk about their pain and that you’re ready to listen. Accept and acknowledge all feelings even if they don’t make sense to you. Allow a grieving person to tell their story. People often need to tell the story of how their loved one died, and sometimes in detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. Show enthusiasm if they tell stories of their loved one. It’s important that their loved one be remembered for the life they lived.
Offer Help Planning a Remembrance. If the grieving person seeks a way to mark their loved one’s passing in the absence of a community gathering, suggest an online event. Let the bereaved family members decide if they want to name it a wake, Shiva, memorial, celebration of life, etc. Be available to give input only when asked.
- Offer to delegate responsibilities to others if immediate family members are too overcome to manage the planning. Guide the bereaved in initial decisions about 1) who they want in attendance; 2) date and time; and 3) length of gathering. Include options of eulogies, music, times for silence, storytelling, slide show, favorite beverage or meal of the deceased to share online, etc.
Offer Practical Support. In the days and weeks after a death, it is hard for those who grieve to ask for help. They might feel guilty, afraid of being a burden, or too depressed to reach out. Make it easier for them by giving specific suggestions, taking initiative, and offering consistent help if you can.
- Deliver a meal or dessert you made, perhaps on a weekly basis.
- Order groceries through a delivery service.
- Offer to help with insurance forms or bills for them to email to you.
- Accompany them on a walk while practicing physical distancing.
- Share a meal with them by video, just as you would do if you could visit.
- If they speak of anxiety, suggest a meditation or visualization practice for addressing the multitude of feelings that come with death. There are many Apps for this.
Watch for Signs That More Help is Needed. A grieving person often feels depressed, confused, and disconnected from others - and this may be more prevalent during COVID-19. These are all natural feelings, however, watch for these warning signs after the initial three months after the death:
- Difficulty functioning in daily life
- Extreme focus on the death
- Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
- Neglecting personal hygiene
- Alcohol or drug misuse
- Hallucinations
- Withdrawing from others
- Constant feelings of hopelessness
- Talking about dying or suicide
It can be challenging to raise your concerns with a bereaved person. Instead of telling them what to do, begin by stating your own feelings and observations/information: “I am concerned that you aren’t sleeping. Perhaps you should look into getting help.” Encourage them to contact the Employee Assistance Program or contact us on their behalf for more guidance and recommendations.
