Introduction: Why and How
Moving can be difficult for a child and a family. The circumstances of the move influence a family’s adjustment. For example, different issues are raised if the move is due to a parent’s promotion instead of a divorce. Similarly, a child’s ability to cope is different if the family is in the military and moving is a repeated part of life compared to a family that is moving only once. The logistics of the move also influence a child’s adjustment; moving across town is far less complicated than a move across the country. But for many, a move brings the opportunity to develop new friendships, pursue new interests, increase social confidence, and learn important lessons about adapting to change – an inevitable part of life. The following is a guide for managing the different issues facing parents and children when they move.
Children’s Age and Stage
A child’s age and general personality affect how the child deals with moving:
- Infants, toddlers, and preschoolers are not able to comprehend the meaning of the move nor do they understand complex explanations. The reactions and availability of their caretakers more easily affect them. They do best when things are predictable, thus easing the transition for them requires keeping to a routine with familiar things and people. Avoid making other changes at the same time, such as toilet training or transfer to a new bed, so as not to overwhelm and confuse a young child.
- School-age children have likely become concerned about fitting in with peers and have increased academic pressures. Their general personality and social style may influence their ease in adjustment. They may also be better able to tolerate the new kid jitters if a sibling is at the same school.
- Teens understand the nuances of the decision to move, but may also be quite willful in their resistance to change. At a time when they are establishing important relationships outside of the family, they may feel the move threatens their evolving identity. Thus the move can be disruptive to the stability they have established with a core group of friends or with an athletic or academic path they have pursued.
- Some children may actually thrive in the new environment depending on the circumstances of the move, an accepting peer group, and a supportive mentoring adult network.
Phases and Issues
There are three phases of the move to consider: before, during, and after, and three environments to prepare for: educational, social, and family. Planning ahead for the challenges and opportunities of each phase and in each area can ease the transition.
Before the Move
- Timing the move is important, and parents must carefully consider their options. Certain moves may be inevitable, such as a job transfer, or impossible to predict, such as when a parent dies. When circumstances allow for flexibility, however, it is better to postpone or avoid a move at certain times, such as when a teen is a junior in high school or immediately following a divorce. Some people find that moving mid-year enables children to take the second part of the school year to adjust, while others find it easier to start fresh in the fall when change typically happens. When the timing is not ideal, it may be possible to ease the strain by having a high school student remain in town with a friend or relative to finish out the year. The pros and cons for all those involved must be carefully weighed, and when it affects an older child, the child’s wishes should be considered.
- Talk about the decision. Explain the reason for the move in language that is appropriate to the child’s age. If it is a move for the better, explain how it will affect the children for the better. If the move will mean difficult changes, parents must be honest about things that will and will not change. For older children, include them, if possible, in any decision-making. Although children may not have veto power about the move, allow them control over certain areas of their life such as the color of their new bedroom or the choice of after-school activities.
- Whenever possible, children should visit the new home and town before the move. If this is not possible, obtaining a video or having friends or a real estate agent send pictures via the Internet helps children visualize their new home, make the decision real, and help them plan the living arrangements.
- Older children may enjoy using the Internet to research their new home. Search engines and visitor’s bureau information sites can get them involved, interested, and looking forward to self-designed adventures.
- Plan the first visit back home before setting out. Children are less likely to feel abandoned if they are able to look forward to getting back together with friends.
- Be prepared for difficult reactions and be careful not to succumb to bribes or threats. Children are often naturally upset and angry about a move. Parents should not sugarcoat or minimize their reactions, nor should they avoid a child’s negativity. Some leniency may creep in – extra time spent on the computer or watching TV – however, it is important to set limits on behavior and acting out, while at the same time accepting their sadness. Moving brings about loss even in the best of situations.
- For children with special needs, parents should plan ahead for referrals and resources. Maintaining consistent services and proactively setting up systems for children with educational, medical, or mental health needs can ease the transition, help maintain progress, and deal with problems resulting from the move. Current tutors, teachers, mental health, and medical professionals should be consulted and asked for recommendations and help in obtaining services in the new location.
During the Moving Process
- It can be tempting to literally clean house when moving, but this should be done gingerly with respect to children’s possessions. Discarding old toys or unused items may be warranted at the time of a move, but the additional loss of children’s material things may overwhelm them. It may be better to help them sort out the bulk of their things once they’ve moved in when they can feel more in control of their new environment.
- For young children and toddlers, put their furniture on the moving van last so that it is first to unload. This helps orient them quickly to the new surroundings.
- Have children of all ages pack a bag of “can’t live without” things to keep with them at all times.
- Stick to a plan as much as possible. Predictability for the move helps the children feel as secure as possible.
After the Move: Attend to School, Social and Family Life
- Scheduling some trips away from the new home may actually help establish the new base. It becomes the place to come home to and enhances the sense of familiar place that is needed.
- Have children invite friends from their old hometown for a visit. This can help the child make decisions about what is new and fun and give the child a chance to show off the new place and help put it in a positive light. It also helps the child get a dose of validation from old buddies.
- Access religious and community organizations. They can provide a ready structure of activities, contacts, and resources for the whole family. If the family was involved with similar groups before, participating in such activities in the new location can increase feelings of familiarity.
- Have children get involved in a sports team or some other after school activity regardless of their ability. Activities provide a ready-made group of peers on a regular basis, which makes it easier for a child to then say hi and avoid feeling like a stranger in the lunchroom. Getting involved also allows parents to invite the team over for ice cream or pizza to help the child build new relationships. This also allows parents to get to know parents of unfamiliar peers.
- A school club or group is an alternative activity to be encouraged for children. Not only does this provide the benefit of a ready group of peers with a similar interest, it offers an adult contact for both the child and parent. Most parents and children can find some type of existing organized activity that meets the child’s needs; a child who is mechanical may do well on the technical crew of the drama club. It may be important to think beyond the traditional orchestra, soccer team, and chess club.
- Older children and teens can also benefit from volunteer work or a job that does not interfere with their academic responsibilities. It can help integrate them into the community at large, provide access to new people, and increase a sense of confidence.
- Parents must also access their own network to gain information about the local culture for themselves and their children. Especially with teens, who are more apt to be on their own without adult supervision, it is important for parents to find out where teens hang out, what’s safe, and what pitfalls to avoid.
- Parents should be in close contact with the school and other areas in which children or teens are involved to monitor their progress. Children who are still sullen or angry at the parents about the move may in fact be making a good transition in school and showing signs of acceptance and integration. It is also vital to be aware of how children are adjusting so that parents or other adults can intervene to help a child if necessary.
- The Internet is a mixed blessing for children in such situations. E-mail or instant messaging to far away friends helps a child stay connected to a support system and provides an outlet for talking about the new home and experiences. But, when a child spends long periods of time chatting with friends back home, it can decrease the motivation to become involved with the new community and interfere with the adjustment to new friends. Balance is key to this activity.
- Once children have moved away, relationships with the old set of friends may change. Parents must be on the lookout for such changes. The child who has moved may become less interested in old pals or being away may make it harder for the old friends to maintain a close relationship. Friendships naturally change as children get older but those changes can be more difficult to accept if a child is feeling isolated in a new place.
- Parents should not be surprised if their child shows improvement outside of home before having a changed attitude with the family. Therefore it is important to communicate with other people involved in a child’s life to evaluate a child’s progress in making the transition.
- Be patient: some children dive in, develop a support network of friends, and become involved with school and activities without losing a beat. Other kids may need more time and help to feel acclimated and at ease. Providing them with new experiences in new places helps them in the future when they are independent adults making decisions for themselves.
