The loss of a spouse or partner is one of the most intense personal crises a human being can face. After the initial numbness, you may experience feelings such as disappointment, anger, denial, and pain. In addition to your own feelings, you have to attend to your children’s feelings, legal arrangements, finances, and employment issues. It is common to feel overwhelmed and unsure about the future. The best thing to do is to talk with close friends or family members and let yourself mourn.

Mourning is not considered as important in our culture as it is in other cultures. There are few customs in our society to help people through mourning. You may feel you’re expected to get over your loss before you’re ready. In addition, because of changing roles and responsibilities, demands on your time and energy may leave you feeling drained.

Your ability to cope at this time may also be affected by the circumstances surrounding the death and your perception of the loss. For example, was the loss due to an extended illness, suicide, or a sudden accident? Do you feel your spouse’s death could have been prevented? Do you believe your partner suffered or was in physical or emotional pain when he or she died? The answers to these questions can influence how quickly or slowly it takes you to resolve the loss of your loved one.

Most people go through similar mourning stages, but not in the same way or the same order. Some of these may be familiar to you, while others may seem foreign to your experience thus far. Keep in mind that these feelings and experiences may vary in intensity and duration from person to person.

You may feel numb or unsure how to act or what to do. You may feel like your world has been turned upside down.

Some people may deny their loss by avoiding change. You may feel like you will wake up and find it was all a bad dream. You may struggle to put away your loved one’s belongings or change your routines.

If anger is not expressed, it can become destructive. It may lead to depression, ulcers, high blood pressure, or other problems. Be careful not to take your anger out on the children. Remember, anger can be expressed in healthy ways. Try to find positive changes like making exercise a part of your life or starting new hobbies or activities.

You and your partner likely shared many daily routines together – meals, bedtime, paying bills, or making household decisions. Once the shock has subsided and friends and family members return to their own routines, the loneliness can become overwhelming. This is when it is so important to reach out to friends or support groups for comfort and companionship.

It is normal to try to place blame for a death in order to make sense in our minds, and oftentimes the finger gets pointed at ourselves. Many bereaved express guilt for not doing more to take care of their sick loved one or for not being the best partner all of the time. These unrealistic expectations can fuel the depression of grief. It is important to seek counseling if you find yourself experiencing overwhelming guilt or shame.

Your future may no longer be the one you planned, and it will take time for you to envision a new future for yourself.

Sometimes the pain is so intense you may be frightened. Will you ever be able to survive? It’s important to know that this pain is part of the healing process and that it will take time to heal. If you fell down and broke your leg, you wouldn’t question asking for help. You would take it easy so the bone could heal. It will also take time and support from friends and family to recover from your loss.

Your adjustment will depend on your own personality, your beliefs about death, and your need to control events in your life. It can be helpful to think about the changes and challenges you may face, and then think about where you can turn for help. It is sometimes hard to ask for help, but it will benefit your whole family.

Look at the following list. Check the areas that are or may be the greatest challenge for you.

     Legal issues: insurance, child custody

     Change in physical environment: where you live, where your child will go to school

     Financial: property, budget

     Relationships with extended family

     Relationships with friends

     Creating new social activities

     Change of personal identity: self-image must shift from being a couple, we, to a single, me

     Getting through grief or depression

     Returning to work

Although it will take time and you will experience many different emotions, there are things that you can do to help yourself. Remember you are vulnerable after the loss of a loved one. It is important to stay healthy, both physically and emotionally. Check some ways you will cope with your loss.

     It may help to share your feelings with a friend, relative, or counselor. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Support groups can be very helpful.

     Be patient with yourself and your children.

     Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest.

     Read or develop a new hobby. Learn something new.

     Eat healthy foods. Start a plan to eat balanced meals.

     Tell and show your children you love them.

     Start a new activity with your children.

     Exercise. Go for a 20-minute walk every day. Explore many exercise alternatives.

     Don’t take on extra responsibilities.

     Consider speaking with a professional counselor, especially if you think your grief is interfering with your daily responsibilities (e.g., work, parenting).