Talking about death is difficult for many of us, but especially when we have to talk about it with children. Often we feel the need to protect and shield children from things as painful and complicated as death and grief. It can also feel difficult and uncomfortable to talk with children about something we ourselves might not fully understand. Yet children learn as much from what we say as what we don’t say, and a lack of communication can send unintended messages to a grieving child.
Grief is as complex for children as it is for adults, perhaps even more so, but there are some things we can do to help most children process their grief. Every child is unique, but here are some points to consider:
- Communicate openly and listen attentively. As with all communication, communication about death is easier when children feel that they have our permission to talk about the subject and believe we are sincerely interested in their views and questions.
- Answer the child’s questions, even the hard ones. It’s fine to admit you do not know the answer to a question, but allow them to ask anyway. Knowing his or her thoughts, fears, and concerns will be heard can help alleviate the anxiety and confusion that often accompanies grief.
- Try to be direct with language. Use the word “died” rather than terms such as “passed away” or “lost.” A young child who hears his mother say, “Dad passed away” or, “I lost my husband,” may be expecting that his father will return or simply needs to be found.
- Consider the child’s developmental age. Communication about death depends on the child’s age and experiences. A very young child can absorb only limited amounts of information. Answers need to be brief, simple, and repeated when necessary. A young child may also struggle to comprehend the permanency of death He or she may be more concerned about separation from loved ones than about death itself. In addition, younger children may be clingy, whereas teens may prefer to spend time on their own or with peers.
- Provide assurance and stability. A child often feels guilty and angry when a close family member has died. Parents should reassure the child that love and care will continue.
- Respect the child’s choices. Whether a child should visit the dying or attend a funeral depends on the child’s age and ability to understand the situation, relationship with the dying or dead person, and, most important, whether the child wishes it. A child should never be coerced or made to feel guilty for not wanting to be involved.
- Avoid unnecessary surprises. A child who is permitted to visit a dying person or attend a funeral should be prepared in advance for what will be seen and heard.
- Talk about and remember the person who died. Remembering the person who died is part of the healing process.
- Respect differences in grieving styles. Children often grieve differently from their parents and siblings. Some children want to talk about the death while others want to be left alone. Some like to stay busy and others withdraw from all activities and stay home. Recognizing and respecting that each child grieves in his or her own way is essential to the healing process for a family.
- Listen without judgment. Listen to the child’s experiences without jumping into judge, evaluate or fix. Avoid phrases such as, “I know just how you feel,” or advice such as “get over it” and “move on.” Instead, reflect back what you’ve heard, using their words, so they know that they’re being listened to. This is just one way we can validate their experiences and emotions, and help them regain a sense of safety, balance, and control.
- Take a break. Children grieve in cycles. For example, they may be more inclined to play and divert their focus from the death when the death is recent and parents are grieving intensely. More than adults, children need time to take a break from grief. It is important to know that it’s okay to take a break. Having fun or laughing is not disrespectful to the person who died. This is a vital part of grieving too.
